One year ago, my oldest daughter Amanda was expecting her second child with the man who promised to love, care, and protect her. However, he had recently moved out, leaving my daughter with the responsibility of raising two children, alone.
Oh sure, I was angry. What mother wouldn't be angry? Listening to my daughter cry on the phone with hurt, confusion, and a number of other emotions bursting forth from the changes that were occurring within her, pressed a burning sensation in me that could almost break a person in half from the intense emotions "I" felt.... a complete menopausal basket case.......I'll save that for another entry...
This particular morning I set aside any ounce of frustration I felt and focused my attention fully on my daughter, and her growing belly.
My daughter Amanda and I are quite close really. Even during mother/daughter squabbles (usually created by me, over stupid frivolous things), there is undoubtedly a deep admiration I have always had for her as I've watched her grow up.
It's almost as if her heart has a special 'super power,' a 'deflector shield,' if you will, protecting her from gunk most people absorb. She is not one to spread gossip, be rude to others, or hold a bitter attitude toward anyone who has mistreated her. She is by far the most forgiving woman I know (no exaggeration).
Amanda is truly a priceless and quite precious rare gem.
We'd be sure to take full advantage of this genius invention at future appointments.
Once in the room, I took magical pictures of my glowing daughter, embracing this wonderful moment.
 |
| waiting for the Doctor |
That anxious moment full of smiles and anticipation quickly faded. The record button on my cell phone was abruptly paused while the Doctor ran the fetal doppler across my daughters belly. Our smiles reformed into cautious frowns of concern. This room was to be filled with a glorious sound of loud and rushing pulse like sounds, proof of a healthy thriving baby's heartbeat. The sound of silence was echoing within this small room.
The Doctor appeared unmoved, sending us off to what I call, an emotional abyss, the sonogram room.
I instantly reached for my daughter's hand and prayed the strongest prayer I was able to muster, trying not to show the acid type sensation I was feeling within my stomach. My thoughts were crumpled with a familiar fear for what my daughter had experienced just three short years ago. Silently, I begged God for this not to be the case.
Having been a young mother myself, the days of having children allowed one sonogram during pregnancy, given at 20 weeks. I had already encountered more sonograms with this daughter than I ever had with all three of my girls, combined. Sonograms I experienced were exciting, joyous events, never filled with any unexplained pain.
"Why?" "Why, Lord, must my sweet, forgiving daughter be delt such pain?"
Although I appeared stoic in nature, I cried myself to sleep most nights, with sobbing episodes that woke me during the deepest part of sleep time. Plugging my ears with music was the only comfort I had during the days that followed that sad day. I played one song, over and over and over and over again. Maybe the lyrics helped drive me each day. All the same, the words deserve a precious spot for others to read. I'd love to recommend listening to this song on Youtube. It is quite beautiful.... filled full of hope.
THE GREAT DAY.................Michael W. Smith
We met pain, in a garden where we lived a lie.
We met hope, in a manger and a baby's cry.
Rescued by hands bleeding grace......are we ready...to see HIS face, On the great day?
He will come, to claim us with a rushing wind.
Blown like fields of wheat, the world will bow and bend.
Held between...our joy and disbelief...Every trembling heart...will finally face the same way
On the great day.
One day LOVE, will wear the crown; one day LOVE will set us free.
Hands up high and faces down; angels teaching us to sing...
He will be King, He will be King
He who scattered us on every distant shore
He will gather us unto Himself, once more.
Let the story of our footprints tell.
We were walking well, holding high YOUR name,
until the Great day.
One day LOVE, will wear the crown; one day LOVE, will set us free.
Hands up high, and faces down; angels teaching us to sing...
He will be King, He will be King.
HE will be the new sunrise
Steal the darkness from our eyes
When we fail to find the words
"Holy, Holy" we will cry
HE will be the new sunris
"Holy, Holy" we will cry,
On the great day, On the great day.
These words were powerful, yes...but I could not see clear skies at first....It seemed no matter how hard I tried, raw emotion of sorrow and grief could not be contained. For a moment, I sensed the ugly hate and felt its sting poking at me. I'd like to say how normal it is for our human nature to 'blame' someone for painful events. Usually directed towards God. I now believe it is a disguise, perhaps an optical illusion of sorts, in order to protect ourselves from feeling pain. Since pain feels like a bleeding wound, gushing gunk we long to be rid of, I believe it's easier to blame another. It was then I realized; I didn't blame God.....I blamed my son-in-law...and I let him know it.
Definitely not my most proud moment I'm exposing to you.
God, in His glory, led me out of the dark path I was headed towards. I had convinced myself that God understood my anger, my pain, my frustration. Then, I felt The Lord gently softened my heart to see my son-in-law as He see's him......with love, with forgiveness....exactly how He see's me. This was NOT an experience, a quality, nor an ability I was able to do on my own. It was God's Spirit that lifted mine from a hardened heart that I was about to be encased in. Thank you Lord!
My out reached and very sincere apology to my now ex-son-in-law has been followed with respect and love I am able to hold towards him to this day.
With the loss of my grand baby, and the loss of my daughter's marriage, I am reminded of Who is faithful to us, in spite of our shortcomings, The Lord Himself is The One true and steady Father who WILL fight for us. He is a good Shepherd and I thank Him for that GREAT Day, when I will see HIM, and my two precious grand babies He has held for Amanda and for me.
You're not a memory
January 31, 2014, You are a life never forgotten.
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